The five Stages of Loss
by Doujin-Maker
Summary: There she was. Sitting in the middle of the room, thinking about her life.. . What if she would have made different decisions? What if she would have had a different personality? What if she would have had acted differently? Well, make your own decision. Because the storyteller can only narrate, not change the facts. Romance/Drama/Family


Please tell me if I should continue writing this particular fanfiction. The 2'nd chapter would be about Mikoto's childhood and I have to admit I have a pretty good idea of what I'd like to write, yah! So, _uhm_, review and tell what to do, nyaha~~ :D

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**-Prologue-**

It looked like an exact replica of a traditional _Chashitsu_ tea room. All the necessary equipment was prominent, everything looked astonishing. The _Chashitsu_ appeared to be one of the larger ones, it had more than four and a half mats, which means it counted already as a _Hiroma_ room and could be called a _Shoin_ audience hall. The floor was covered with expensive _Tatami_ mats, beautiful _Tokonoma_ gracing them with their elegance. There was a visible door, however, it did not looked like it would open whenever wanted, it gave away a creepy feeling of imprisonment.

Next to the _Tokonoma_ were neatly formed seating mats, only waiting for guests to arrive, however, they looked unused and something alike to dust was slowly visible, again a creepy feeling of uneasiness filled the surroundings.

The full-sized door , plainly known as _Sadouguchi, _a host usually slid through it when carrying utensils, was patiently waiting to be used. The door was made of paper and had a knob on its left side.

The _Kakejiku_, hanging scroll, was probably one of the most beautiful calligraphy scrolls ever made. It was situated on the opposite wall and in front of the host's mat the _Temaeza_, although it was breathtaking the scroll was positioned like it had the task to mock the host. It was big, huge even, which was not so common, as the majority of _Kakejiku's_ was medium sized. The mock theory seemed to be true, for the meaning on the noble scroll was like a harsh but silent scolding. Almost torturing with its black, stable strokes

_"It takes more than death to be free and loose the pain of having done wrong." _

.. was what it said.

Plain words, still they have a deep meaning. People sometimes assume, they will find peace and happiness in their afterlife, they fail to notice it will not always turn out just like they have thought. There is something that can go drastically wrong, turn out completely different. Sometimes they see death as some kind of rescue, the only thing that is capable to completely wiping out every fall, decision, doing, defeat or life.

Be that as it may, what if the afterlife is what we truly believe it to be – peace and never ending happiness, but there is a- from the far barely visible- line, something akin to an asteroid belt, and on every of the uncountable asteroids a private universe for every soul that has unfinished business left, or simply is not allowed to enter some kind of heaven. _Yet_.

Prison, lonely bus station, penalty, purgatory, halt. It may be called however one wants it to call, whatever one sees as a stop sign or hindrance at pursuing something_ bigger_.

When it happens there is an ache of unfulfillment, the '_what if's'. _

The host of the _Chashitsu _was in a similar situation.

She had her own asteroid, her own universe – the mesmerizing tea room.

She had her own unfinished business – two sons that were left parentless.

But she felt as if it was wrong for her to pursue further, so the black haired woman decided to undergo the mocking scroll, take the lecture and reflect upon everything. The _what if's_ and her life.

She sat, with her ornamented Kimono and long black hair, silently on her _Kakejiku_. Waiting, for a chance to apologize, even if she knew it was not completely her own fault.

She regretted being born as a too mild willed prodigy.

She regretted her pacifistic and obeying nature.

She regretted not continuing her ninja career, as it was_ improper_ for a _woman_, they said.

She regretted letting her eldest son grow up without a proper childhood.

She regretted letting them control him and have the life she could have spared him from and lived herself, if she would have been only a little more stubborn and courageous.

She regretted not being there to help her dearest friends escape death.

She regretted not adopting their offspring.

She regretted not being able to hinder the clan.

She regretted giving in to her husband and throwing the burden to her own flesh and blood.

She regretted the horrible life her younger son would surely had to endure.

She regretted dying without first putting up a solid fight.

Uchiha Mikoto had so many regrets, and the worst part was she had to endure them even after death, without even the smallest drop of freedom. But she was entirely content with it. In her own eyes, she has failed as a parent, for she had done so many things wrong and now there were only regrets and this _ache_.

The Uchiha matriarch was somehow relieved she was given enough time for her to filter her thoughts and review her decisions – her whole life.

Mikoto did not feel like a prisoner, even though her tea room and scroll gave her all the needed vibes to do so. She took it as her punishment, her well earned punishment and she accepted it. The scroll, the regrets, the unlimited time and with them her_ ache_.

She decided to wait for her sons to come and visit her themselves, so she could tell them her life, the regrets and wrongdoings. Mikoto did not expect forgiveness, especially from Sasuke – a single tear dropped down form her eyelids – for he had the right to do so.

Sasuke was only a helpless child, he did not know the motives, reasoning's behind it all. Itachi on the other hand, knew everything and probably accepted his fate.

Mikoto's whole being clenched with sorrow, hurt and so much more. She felt like mourning for her sons, their outcome was inevitable. She felt like it was herself who brought them their doom.

She remembered, how her little Itachi's blade connected with her ribs and heart. In that particular moment she felt it for the first time. _B__argaining. _

After a very long time of bargaining the acceptance has appeared.

Mikoto looked up at the scroll, her black eyes readingr the contents for the hundredth time.

Yes, it was all clear to her. All its meanings. She was ready and she would wait for them whenever they came. She wanted to meet her two boys and she would accept with a smile whatever they would say or even do.

If Itachi would state her mistakes, she would bow down to the very floor and apologize without awaiting forgiveness.

If Sasuke would throw everything in the tea room at her, she would smile and tell him he has every right to do so.

Yes, Mikoto was ready for any kind of scenario, so maybe it was time for her to look once more at her life. This time simply feeling, without the four steps she countlessly took in her first decades here.

Denial.

Anger.

Bargaining.

Depression.

It was time for acceptance, and maybe she would then be even more ready for her beloved sons.

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**I'm sorry if someone felt offended in any way because of this fanfic. I simply tried to picture Mikoto waiting (like Kakashi's father waited, but in his own _'environment_**_**') **_**for Sasuke and Itachi. I wanted to make it look as Mikoto-_ish_ as possible. The prodigy part is maybe due to me being a little feministic (because let's face it; Kishimoto totally fails sometimes with showing the female characters in a strong and independent way, _grr.._) , but I want the black haired mattriachs so _badly_ to be the prodigy I imagine her to be ~~ '^'**


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